Beneath Who? A Season 7 Parody.
by foggi
Summary: A parody on the upcoming season seven, episode two *SPOILERS* *UPDATED*
1. Into the Gutters

I'm new to fanfic, hopefully you like this, but please review so I can improve!

Disclaimer: I am NOT Joss. Thank god. These people are not mine, they are his, I just like to talk about them all the time. 

Season Seven, Ep. 2 "Beneath You" 

teaser:

Spike is wearing a straightjacket and wandering around his "new pad'" under the high school, which is made up of the magic box set AND the blown up parts of Spike's old crypt, to create a very dark, disgusting place, for a dark, disgusting creature like Spike!

SPIKE: I'm SO insane! This soul, and the chip! ARGH! And what's worse, I'm still in love with Buffy! 

Enter Clem for no apparent reason. 

CLEM: I thought you got the soul for Buffy BECAUSE you love her. 

SPIKE: (Annoyed that Clem doesn't just accept his *logic*) Well, yeah. But you're missin' the bleeding sodding INSANE point! I'm still in love with the SLAY-ah! 

CLEM: (Sarcastically) Oh no. Not again. I thought you'd be over that by now. 

SPIKE: Clem! I've been driven insane by that bloody bint! And now I can only speak in british curse words! What has she done to me?!?!

CLEM: Well, I don't really know. I saw something like this in the Wedding Plan-

SPIKE: Sod off! You're not helping.

CLEM: Well, maybe I could help if you tell me what started all this in a flashback. 

Spike thinks on this. A Sarah McLaughlin song comes on, and flowers begin blossoming in his dark, eeevil crypt. 

SPIKE: It all started when...

CUT TO: William and Cecily

WILLIAM: I'm a bad poet, but I'm a good man. I love you! I'd go to unhealthy extremes to be with anyone that I loved, but if the audience likes us together too much, I will have to rape you. (BIG SMILE)

CECILY: William, YOU'RE BENEATH M-

Enter Buffy and Xander. 

XANDER: NO! This is my episode, go away you evil soulless thing! 

BUFFY: Spike---look, I am trying really hard to be sympathetic with you, if I'm not, everyone will really hate me no matter how many gardens I walk through! But this is TOO MUCH! You are taking away from the Xander episo-

SPIKE: (Screams like a small child) Buffy! Stay away from me, I'm Beneath Y0---

BUFFY: Where are Nancy, Ronnie, Carlos, and Kit??? We need to get this storyline going, without these new and useless characters, there will be nothing to---

SPIKE: Buffy, I have something to tell you, I went to Africa to get---

BUFFY: --talk about! It's going to be so boring-y without Dawn's new friends! Xander! Do something! (She begins to weep)

XANDER: Buffy, I remember the first day of sophomore year, you broke the purple crayon. And I still wanted to sleep with you. In fact, I still do! 

BUFFY: Xander, I've missed these good talks. Maybe when Willow comes back we can all get together and pretend that we're still 10th graders who have never done anything wrong. 

XANDER: And I'm rich now...so here's a blank check! 

BUFFY: Thank you Xander, this completely erases the fact that you tried to kill my 

ex-boyfriend last year, and all those times you said I was disgusting for sleeping with him!

SPIKE: You know, I really don't understand this. 

BUFFY: Spike, life is hard. But you have to move on...even Dawn hates you now. You'd have to do something pretty drastic-y to change our minds. Anyways, don't be so SELFISH! It isn't All!About!Spike you know!

SPIKE: Well, I just assumed, Doug is writing this one and he wrote the other one about me being beneath people and now that I've-

XANDER: Can I kill him yet?

BUFFY: NO!...Not that I care, but NO! 

SPIKE: For continuity reasons it's ridiculous to think Doug would write this episode about anything but me. If it isn't about me...what the hell am I supposed to do in this episode, they need me to look sexy!

Buffy thinks for a moment, then returns with a basket full of eggs and a doctor's lab coat. 

BUFFY: Mr. Petrie would like you to hold these and look eeeeeeeeevil. 

SPIKE: Huh? 

BUFFY, XANDER, DAWN, KIT, CARLOS, NANCY, RONNIE: Do not question the great Mutant Enemy!

SPIKE: Bloody hell! What is going on?

DAWN: I HATE YOU!...We're creating a new story arc! 

SPIKE: What about all the old story arcs??

BUFFY: Those don't matter, what's important is that everyone loves Dawn. 

SPIKE: I DO love Dawn. 

DAWN: Well I HATE you! 

SPIKE: Great. So, who is going to take care of you when Big Sis ignores you again after the three episodes where she'll talk about you nonstop to convince viewers that Buffy isn't such a bad gal after all? 

DAWN: Xander and his piles 'o money can save me. 

Spike turns away, still in straightjacket. 

SPIKE: Screw the soul, these people are driving me insane. 

Spike throws himself into the nearest gutter. All but Buffy exit the scene. 

BUFFY: Spike, you're wasting valuable time by being so insane, we're losing viewers by the minute. 

SPIKE: _groans_

BUFFY: Look, for what it's worth, I'm sorry that you are feeling down. I think there is something on your mind, and I would understand it if you didn't tell me...I'd probably just laugh at you anyways...

SPIKE: I've been trying to tell you-

BUFFY: But I realllly like your new hair. And you don't look so bad without the jacket. So don't feel too terrible that I am hiding your symbolic coat in my closet and sleeping with it, even though you are eeeeeeeeevil and I hate you. 

SPIKE: If you bloody hate me so much, why did you: keep my lighter in your pocket, come to me when you were "free" and invisible, say that "you always hurt the ones you love", sleep with the grass stained jacket, only break up with me after we had slept together in a normal and romantic way for the first time, look like you DID in fact cry when we broke up in Normal Again, say you were jealous in Hell's Bells, get mad at me for sleeping with Anya, still want to let me take care of Dawn, and Ask when I would be coming home?

BUFFY: All of my important memories with you were erased by Marti Noxon. I have to go now and hang out at the high school, the kids there need my therapy! 

Buffy exits. 

SPIKE: We should order some more straitjackets for the set...

end scene 

TBC


	2. The Zeppo Returns...ugh.

__

Scene Two

Xander is at the bank, smiling...Nancy at this side.

Xander looks at his paycheck happily. 

XANDER: Nan, baby, I've worked so hard for this. 

NANCY: Nobody deserves loads of money more than you Xander. 

a pause.

NANCY: What do you want to do now? 

XANDER: Let's go to the Bronze and get drunk! The high school project was conveniently placed over the summer so I don't even have to be at work at all now, I might as well go get smashed and then you and I can make with the sex!

NANCY: But I have only known you for two hours. 

XANDER: Are you a vampire? 

NANCY: No. 

XANDER: Are you a vengeance demon?

NANCY: No.

XANDER: Do you have a soul?

NANCY: Yes. 

XANDER: Oh-KAY! We're good here.

NANCY: That's all you need to know? You don't even care to hear the monologue about my dramatic and abusive past? I have a STALKER!!! 

XANDER: Is he human?

NANCY: Well, yeah. 

XANDER: We'll invite him over for some chicken some time honey. 

__

A loud crash is heard from out side of the bank and a giant worm appears. The worm moves quickly towards Nancy and Xander. Nancy blinks several times and Xander reaches into his pocket.

XANDER: Nancy, I've grown up so much in the past year, I think I am finally ready to accept the challenges of adult life....will you marry me?

NANCY: WHAT?!? You know we're going to die, don't you??

__

Scene Three

BUFFY: So, let me get this straight, you're ex-boyfriend left you like all the other men in your life. He beat your father figures girlfriend and he has the personality of a bread box? Hmm. He sounds nice.

DIANE: Well, yeah, he left me. It's okay, we weren't really right for each other, he was kind of boring...plus he did all this horrible stuff to me. I mean, there's this other guy-

BUFFY: NO! No other guys. No way missy. You just stick with your _soul mate_. 

DIANE: Well, this other guy writes me poems, and he took them blame for me when I wrecked my parents car. He does so many things for me...and when we're together, everything is so much easier. I have feelings for him, I do, I think I might lo-

BUFFY: Sweetheart. He sounds like a stalker to me. Ignore him and hit him if necessary...he may get so upset that he tries to rape you, just ignore that. 

DIANE: OOOOO-kay. 

BUFFY: You can go back to class now Diane. 

__

Diane gets up to leave the room, looking rather confused. Enter Principle Robin Wood. 

ROBIN WOOD: Good morning Buffy Anne Summers: 21 years of age, vampire slayer, Rupert Giles is your watcher. 

__

A grand piano falls from the sky and nearly hits and kills Mr. WOOD.

ROBIN WOOD: If I were white, that would have killed me. 

BUFFY: (giggles) It's funny how we've only just met and I feel like you know so much about me. Plus you're not a vampire.

ROBIN WOOD: Just one second Ms. Summers, I have to pull out my tape recorder.

BUFFY: What's that for? 

ROBIN WOOD: I just have some people back home looking out for us. 

BUFFY: Us? 

ROBIN WOOD: So tell me about Willow Rosenburg's majick addiction...

TBC 


	3. Black High Heels of Death

__

Scene Four

Spike is back in his hole in the hellmouth where "he belongs" he has managed to get out of the straightjacket and is now dressed in the same smelly outfit that he has had since he left for Africa. 

SPIKE: I am wrong, this is all my fault. I should stay away from all of them...Buffy doesn't deserve to be within miles of the likes of my eeevil ass. 

__

Enter Dawn

DAWN: Damn straight she doesn't. 

__

Dawn runs up to Spike in full Slayer attack mode...Spike holds out one hand and nonchalantly stops her and forces her to sit down.

SPIKE: Whoa there, little bit. 

DAWN: Don't mess with me, I'm Dawn the---I wonder what the hell they'll call the show when Buffy leaves...

__

A moment of silence as the two ponder this.

SPIKE: Let's not fret about that. What's with the attack?

DAWN: You tried to rape Buffy. And I am fully prepared to kill you for it, I am an EMPOWERED woman! 

SPIKE: (laughs) Great, so big sis is letting you do this why?

DAWN: She wants to show me the world. 

SPIKE: Hmm, that sounds like a crappy excuse for her to give you something to do and make you much less depressing. 

DAWN: I'll kick you with my giant black high heels of death!

SPIKE: Interesting as that would be to watch, I think we'll just go for the old fashioned talking....(tilts head) I'm sorry for what I did-tried to do- to your sister. In fact, I didn't want to do it. The Marti lady came and threatened my paycheck. 

DAWN: Whatever, Xander says you're eeeeeevil. Xander knows what he's talking about, did you hear that he's rich?

SPIKE: Fantastic. Look, Dawn, I know that you and your sister are mad--

__

Enter Buffy. 

BUFFY: DAWN! What are you doing down here? If I let you walk around in this filth no one will believe that you're good looking enough to carry a show! Besides, it's dangerous, and I LOVE you Dawnie. 

DAWN: I was going to kill Spike.

BUFFY: Dawn, how can you say such a thing?!?

DAWN: HE TRIED TO RAPE YOU!

BUFFY AND SPIKE: Well, that was really just a Marti thing...we're choosing to ignore it. 

DAWN: So, what does that mean? You guys are together now? 

__

A pause while Dawn thinks about this. 

DAWN: Great! 

__

Dawn is joined by Kit and Carlos at the foot of Spike's hellmouth pad. 

KIT: Hi there Spike. I'm Will- I'm Kit! 

CARLOS: Hey, my main man. I'm Xand- I'm Carlos!

SPIKE: Yeah, I saw you before...(to Buffy) What are they doing here?

BUFFY: Hey now Spike, these are people that I LOVE. 

SPIKE: But you've only just met them! You Scoobies don't let anyone into your inner circle! 

BUFFY: How dare you say that about the most important storyline of the year? These kids are going to help us fight the forces of eeevil. 

SPIKE: Hmm, well, that should kill them in a week, I guess we won't be getting too attached then. 

BUFFY: Nope, they'll just be here long enough to force Dawn down everyone's throat. 

SPIKE: That seems a little pushy...is there even time?

BUFFY: We're making time! From this point on you'll only appear when you have something mean or crazy to say! We'll just forget to film all the good things you do. 

DAWN: Kit! Carlos! Let's go kick some demon-y booty! 

BUFFY: Yeah, Dawn, you go do that. 

DAWN: You don't want to come? 

BUFFY: I think you're EMPOWERED enough without me...besides, I don't really care what happens to you...I mean, I TRUST you Dawnie. 

DAWN: Oh! Thanks!

__

The Giant worm that tried to attack Nancy and Xander appears, all stare at it. Spike goes to attack it, Buffy stops him.

BUFFY: Sp-i-ke! Stoppit!

SPIKE: OH, balls, don't tell me you want to die again!

BUFFY: I NEVER wanted to D-IE! 

SPIKE: What?

BUFFY: Dawn, Kit, and Carlos have to kill it! You and I aren't allowed to kill anything! 

__

Dawn lunges at the worm along with Kit and Carlos. The worm immediately beats them nearly to death. 

GIANT WORM: I'm the bad cgi-effect of the week! I'm an abusive stalker coming to claim my gal now that I've made "some changes". 

BUFFY: What kind of changes? 

GIANT WORM: I was human, then I asked this guy to remove my soul and turn me into an alcoholic worm!!! Gr, Argh!!!

Enter Xander and Nancy

XANDER: WOW! That giant worm is just like Spike! And ABUSIVE, EEEEEEVIL, ALCOHOLIC!!!!

BUFFY AND SPIKE: Well, not really. 

BUFFY: --but, okay! I guess if _Xander_ thinks he's like Spike...

__

Enter Anya

ANYA: Hi. 

BUFFY: Anya! My good friend Anya! I've missed you! Where did you go?

ANYA: I didn't go anywhere. And since when are you my frien- Hey! Spike's back! 

__

Anya runs over and gives Spike a hug

BUFFY: Hey! Don't be nice to Spike! Xander, what is she doing?

XANDER: It's a demon thing. 

BUFFY: You guys are NOT allowed to have sex! 

ANYA: Not planning on it.

BUFFY: So...Anya...Now that the magic box is gone, what are you going to do?

ANYA: Well, I have no soul, so I'll have to become evil. I'm supposed to move into Spike's old crypt very soon. I'm also supposed to show up whenever there's a monster to help you all out. 

BUFFY: That doesn't sound very eevil. 

SPIKE: According to you all it is! For years I helpe-

ALL BUT SPIKE: Shut up! 

DAWN: Spike, don't try and use the STORY as evidence that you are good! Marti gave us these tapes that repeat the same phrase over and over...

DAWN, KIT, CARLOS: "REMEMBER THE RAPE", "REMEMBER THE RAPE"

XANDER: That's right you evil undead British dude with bad hair! Did I mention I'm rich?

GIANT WORM: XANDER HARRIS!!!

XANDER: What?!?!

GIANT WORM: I'm here to parallel your abusive alcoholic story line! By the way, I'm your new girlfriends ex! 

__

They all turn to face Anya. 

ANYA: What? I don't care if he has a girlfriend...I'm eevil. 

__

All turn to face Xander.

XANDER: No, dude, you're definitely, after Spike, he's the show's official punching bag! 

ANYA, NANCY: Well, he really does remind me more of Xander. 

XANDER: No way! The script says I've got money and high school mojo again!

BUFFY: What mojo? 

XANDER: I was cool, remember?

BUFFY: Umm, oh yeah! 

__

Enter Willow.

ALL: GASP! 

BUFFY: Willow! Meet our new best friends: Nancy, Ronnie, Carlos, and Kit! 

WILLOW: Hi guys. 

__

Dawn runs to give Willow a hug, along with Buffy.

SPIKE: Didn't she try to kill you all? I didn't do that and no one hugged me! Plus! I'm depressed and INSANE, and I've gone to extreme lengths to be whatever you all want me to be!

BUFFY: Why? 

SPIKE: Because I don't want to be Beneat-

BUFFY: Willow! What are you doing here? 

WILLOW: I felt a very dark power rising in Sunnydale. 

CARLOS: Who died and made you Kendra? 

WILLOW: Well, first of all, I can't use magic anymore because it made Buffy look less important. I got addicted and now I'm CLEAN! _(Applause from Buffy and Xander)_ Second of all, how do you know about Kendra?

CARLOS: We know everything that happened in Seasons 1-3.

WILLOW: What about the next three years. 

SPIKE: Yeah, the next three years are very important to m-

CARLOS: Marti says to pretend that none of that happened, they say no one will notice!

WILLOW: Great! That makes me a good straight gal still!

__

Smiles from all but Spike...and Anya, who is now very bored and growing more veins by the minute. 

DAWN: So, Willow, what power was rising? Was it the Giant worm?

WILLOW: No way. That thing is just here because we needed something to talk about...we needed a way to make this entire episode about Xander to draw in viewers!

SPIKE: Let me get this straight. Willow returned this episode, I've just gotten back from Africa, and all the fans thought this was to be Fool For Love, Part II. And you find a way to make this about XANDER?

DAWN: Hey! Where'd the worm go?

NANCY: HE got bored and went to go see a movie with the audience. 

BUFFY: Umm, well, let's go look for it! I'm the slayer!...Hey, I know! DawnIE, go get my new BOYfriend Principal Wood! He can help us.

__

Spike rolls his eyes, all but and Spike exit. 

WILLOW: Spike, I understand that we suddenly have a lot in common. 

SPIKE: Yeah, I guess we could help each other out. 

WILLOW: We could, but I'd like to ignore that...there's already way to much sympathy for you for all my fans to start liking you too. Besides...you're eeevil, and I'm a saint!

__

Willow exits, leaving Spike and his thankfully large pack of cigarettes. 


	4. Porch Talk, again

__

Scene Five

__

Spike is sitting on Buffy's back porch, sobbing. 

SPIKE: I'm so confused. I know I wanted to get this soul for Buffy...but now I don't even want to be near her, I really am beneath her. Plus, I thought that this episode would give me the chance to look back at my life and begin to heal...no such luck. 

__

Enter Buffy, who promptly sits on the back porch and **awkwardly** puts her hand on Spike's back. 

BUFFY: It's okay...sometimes we all have to make sacrifices for the greater good of the show. Sometimes you just have to accept that someone else's story will take up more time than yours.

SPIKE: Yeah, but you'd think that they'd want to focus on the stories people have been stressing over for four months. 

BUFFY: I know that sometimes the world is hard Spike. But, it will get better eventually. I could take you to our local botanical graveyard tomorrow night! 

SPIKE: Bloody Hell!

BUFFY: What?

SPIKE: It's just...no one seems to care, Buffy. And I'm miserable and eeevil. 

BUFFY: We already knew that. 

__

A pause.

BUFFY: Spike? I do care. Of course I care. 

__

Buffy gets up to go into her house. 

SPIKE: That's it? You tell me you care and then leave?!?

BUFFY: Well, I can't very well just fall into your arms. That can't happen until February sweeps! And, anyways, I am totally emotionally incapable of loving anyone!

SPIKE: So, I guess that makes sense. You should hate me anyways, what I've done to you. 

BUFFY: Well, the writers certainly think so. I myself still wanted to know when you'd be coming home. 

SPIKE: Why?

BUFFY: This conversation is NOT okay! We still don't know how to make the two of us forgive each other without making it look like we're blaming the victim! 

SPIKE: Great. 

__

Glory, Warren, and Faith enter.

GLORY, WARREN, FAITH: Wassup? 

__

The three exit. 

SPIKE: What the bloody hell was that?

BUFFY: The theme for the year. 

SPIKE: Which is?

BUFFY: I have no clue. Well, gotta go tuck Dawn in! 

__

She exits. 

SPIKE: What do I keep coming back here? 

__

Enter Clem for non apparent reason. 

CLEM: Because you love her. 

SPIKE: Yep. No clue why though.

CLEM: Yeah, but who know why anyone does the things they do on this show?

__

They exit, laughing at their eeevil existences on their way to watch The Parent Trap. 


	5. Big News No one seems to care about...

Scene Six

NOTE: I thought I was finished with this...but then this one spoiler came out and I had to add this, short and sweet...

************************

__

Spike lies in his "hellmouth pad" crying...after a long battle with the giant worm at the movie theatre, he is exhausted AND insane. 

SPIKE: Boo hoo.

__

Enter Buffy.

BUFFY: Hey.

SPIKE: Buffy-

BUFFY: I just wanted to see if you're okay...not that I care. 

SPIKE: Yeah, fine. 

BUFFY: Spike, what's really going on? I know you don't want to tell me-

SPIKE: I got a-

BUFFY: But I think it's really only fair, I am the prettiest and most important person on this show and-

SPIKE: I'm trying to tell you I-

BUFFY: My name is FIRST in the credits!!!!

SPIKE: Sodding hell! Why aren't you listening to me?

BUFFY: Whatever you have to say, as soon as you say it we have to fade to the credits...and we had a few more seconds...so now you can tell me.

SPIKE: I got a soul. For you.

BUFFY: _silence_

SPIKE: Well, aren't you going to going to say something???

BUFFY: The cameras are off...I have no comment.

SPIKE: I got a SOUL FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUFFY: Yeah, whatever. See you next Tuesday.

FADE TO CREDITS


End file.
